Gunnie Arguments that Make No Sense

posted on August 22, 2016
A wise person once recommended that you never wrestle with pigs. Why? You both get muddy, and the pig kind of likes it. Yet against my better judgment, I occasionally wrestle with pigs online in pointless arguments. I’ll bet a box of .25 ACP ammo that you do too.

Recently, some faceless person at the opposite end of my tin can and string insisted that anyone using XS Sights was derpy. Yeah, I know, you can have more meaningful discussions if you get off your couch and walk to the corner of Ignorance and Bliss than debating online. Anyway, I happen to use XS Sights on my compact carry gun, because I like them. The older I get, the more I have to work to get my eyes to focus on small and close objects, like front sights. A physically large front sight like the XS Big dot jumps into clarity much faster (for me) than a smaller and more precise sight. Since I don’t foresee doing headshots on running ninjas from 75 yards away, nor do I use this configuration to compete at Bianchi Cup, the tradeoff between speed of acquisition and precision is one I’m happy to make. To make a long story short, the guy with the other tin can informed me that the XS Sights don't work as well for me because someone else said they won’t, so obviously I was an uninformed idiot. So there.

I can’t for the life of me understand why gun people are so binary. Folks will fight to the death, or at least until something better comes on TV, over whether some method or piece of gear is the best. Of course, another equally credible group of people insists that something else is the only right answer, and every other opinion is for stupid special snowflakes. Guess what folks, like most things in life, there is hardly ever one and only one right answer to anything except of course the rightful winner of Dancing with the Stars.

With that said, here are the gunnie debates that make my bunions flare up.

  • Weaver Stance vs. Isosceles Stance vs. Jack Weaver’s Modified vs. Jack Weavers Second Cousin Twice Removed Amended Diversified Stance vs. Isosceles Congruent Trapezoid Parallelogram Stance vs. …

When it comes to the right shooting stance, everyone not only has an opinion but the one and only right and true answer. If your stance varies in any way from the “right” one, you’re at risk of death, spontaneous combustion, and possibly falling over.

I’ve got news for ya folks. I have invented the perfect shooting stance and all the others are stupid, wrong, and possibly illegal in 19 counties. It’s called the “Point the fiery end of the damn gun down range and shoot” stance. Fortunately, it’s easy to learn and you can start using it immediately. You’re welcome.

  • A laser is faster vs. A laser is slower

I don’t understand the controversy over this one at all. Last time I checked, lasers beam into random things at somewhere around the speed of light. That’s fast, right?

  • Index finger pad goes on the trigger vs. Distal joint on the trigger

OK, I get the value of proper technique, but defining a singularly correct technique when we’re all built and wired differently is a bit of a challenge. Just ask Jimi Hendrix. He played the guitar backward, and I suppose he did alright with it, at least until he died.

Here’s a quick way to make sure your trigger finger placement is correct. Aim at your target. Press. Now look at the target. Did you hit it? If so, you’re good to go.

  • 9 mm vs. 40 S&W vs .45 ACP vs .380 ACP vs. 50 BMG

99.9946% of people who are willing to fight to the death over the caliber issue have never fired a gun at anyone. I know, because I counted them all up on Facebook. Even though the long-term data shows little, if any statistical difference between the major calibers like 9mm, .40 S&W, and .45 ACP when it comes to one-shot stops and number of rounds to incapacitate, we still fight like Rosie O’Donnell and The Donald over the issue of which is best-est.

I’ve bypassed this senseless debate entirely because I use an MK-19 Automatic Grenade Launcher for my home-defense gun. It’s the only real one-shot stopper I know, even if my wife thinks the collateral damage is a bit excessive.

  • AR-15 vs. AK-47

If I have the gist of this argument right, one rifle has been used by millions of people to shoot stuff all over the world, while the other rifle has been used by millions of people to shoot stuff all over the world.

See? The answer to this one is a no-brainer, why do we even argue about it?

  • A light will just give away your position! vs. No it won’t, you wanna-be ninja!

I think this one is programmed into our reptilian brain as a bonafide instinct, kind of like making an innocent face when we fart in public. Reading the online debates about whether a light “just gives away your position,” it’s clear that there is no rational thought about the issue, just rote repetition controlled by the subconscious brain stem, sort of like how teenage boys say “brah” to each other.

  • Orange Mango Ninja Lube vs. CBQ-CQT Hooyah Butter Weapons Protectant and Howitzer Grease

Here’s a public service announcement for the citizens of the Great State of Lubrication. There are more gun lubes on the market than COEXIST bumper stickers on Priuses. So how do you know which gun lube to use when everyone who’s ever walked past the gun counter at Wal-Mart swears by a different one? Do you pick the Hot Fuschia colored gun paste that smells like lilac and doubles as decorative cake decorative icing? Or do you choose the one used by the Norwegian Forsvarets Spesialkommando Assault and Tactical Jazzercise Unit?

I’ve got a way to settle this debate once and for all. Next time I’m at my public gun range, I’m going to secretly replace everyone’s gun lube with “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter.” If their guns continue to work, and I’m pretty sure they will, I’m claiming an official end to the gun lube wars and crowning myself The King of Tribology.

Did I miss any? Oh, and by the way, the only way to hang a roll of toilet paper is for the tissue to go over the top. Any other way is stupid.


man aiming shotgun
man aiming shotgun

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